Do you feel alone in your relationship or your marriage?
Does it seem like you are always at odds with your partner?
Has avoidance or silent treatment become more of the norm than reconnection?
Do you feel like you have to walk on egg shells around each other?
Do you wish to feel seen and appreciated but are afraid to communicate that to your spouse out of fear of his/her defensiveness?
An unhappy relationship or marriage can feel unbearable when there's a deep sense of disconnection and resentment between you and your partner. You may already be living like roommates—passing each other passively throughout the day without intentionally seeking moments of connection or making an effort to meet each other’s needs. The growing demands of life and significant events can take a toll on the emotional connection, making it difficult to repair the relationship—especially if neither partner is self-aware or equipped with the tools to resolve conflict.
“How Did We Get Here?”
This is a common question when one or both partners come to couples therapy. In some cases, the disconnection has been a gradual buildup due to both partners' work schedules, the demands of caring for children, managing the home, and finding time for social commitments and self-care. In other cases, it's the inability to repair after arguments, leaving partners at odds and stuck with their own assumptions about each other, such as, ‘He doesn’t care about me,’ or ‘All she cares about are the kids.’ These assumptions, coupled with growing misunderstandings, lead to a breakdown in emotional closeness.
When conflicts arise in a relationship, it's easy to fall into the trap of blaming your partner, thinking that if they change, everything will get better. While that might be true in some cases, most of the time, repairing a relationship or marriage requires both partners to work together. Even when trust is broken, the partner who has been deeply hurt must still eventually find a way to forgive and allow their partner the opportunity to earn back their trust over time. This too takes strength and hard work. If the goal of a relationship or marriage is to heal and move forward, there must be a cognitive shift - it becomes less about who is right and who is wrong, and more about what is needed to rebuild, nurture and strengthen the bond between you and your partner.
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There is Hope
Every couple faces arguments and challenges in their relationship or marriage. The truth is, these struggles can lead to a deeper connection between partners. With an open mind and a commitment to self-awareness and improving communication, any relationship has the potential to heal and grow. Sometimes, communication patterns learned in childhood or past emotional wounds left unaddressed can resurface, creating emotionally charged arguments or silent treatments when the relationship faces challenges. By reflecting on our own first hand experiences with love, communication, and conflict, we can gain valuable insight into our own thought processes and behaviors. When both partners are willing to learn new ways to communicate and connect, healing and growth are not only possible—they’re likely.
What if My Partner isn't interested in Couples Counseling?
Sometimes, partners resist couples counseling because they feel uncertain, scared, or even worried that it might make things worse. It might help to approach the conversation with your partner in a way that focuses on your desire to improve the relationship, rather than on what’s wrong. You could try expressing your feelings honestly, letting them know that it’s not about blaming anyone, but about finding ways to make things better together. In some cases, starting with individual counseling might also help, as it can create a space for you to explore your feelings and figure out how to address the concerns in the relationship.
If your partner continues to resist couples therapy or marriage counseling, try not to interpret it as a sign that they don’t care about you or the relationship. Their reluctance to speak to a couples counselor may be more complex than it seems. What you can control is how you navigate the situation and how you choose to respond. It might be helpful to focus on what you can do to improve things on your own, whether that’s through individual therapy, self-reflection, or adjusting your communication and coping strategies. Giving your partner some space to process their feelings while letting them know you’re still open to counseling when they’re ready can also be a supportive approach. Sometimes, seeing the positive changes in you through couples counseling can motivate a partner to consider it later.
Should Couples Counseling Be A Last Resort?
Should going to a couples therapist be a last resort? Absolutely not. It should never be the final step in working on your relationship or marriage. Couples therapy, whether individually or together, is a valuable resource for gaining emotional support and navigating difficult times or transitions in your relationship. The earlier you seek help and acquire tools, the better equipped you'll be when life gets heavy. This is why premarital counseling is so effective—it provides couples with the tools and mindset to help build and sustain a healthy, strong marriage. Think of it like learning how to drive: when you're equipped with the right skills, you’ll know how to handle challenges like a flat tire or a low gas tank. Similarly, in a relationship, having the right tools helps you navigate rough patches with more confidence and resilience.
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER:
If there is any form of abuse in the relationship, it's essential to recognize that safety must come first. Couples counseling is not appropriate in situations where there is domestic violence, as it can often worsen the situation. Please see the following resources for such cases:
National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)
Phone: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text: Text “START” to 88788
Website: www.thehotline.org
This confidential hotline provides 24/7 support, resources, and advice for individuals experiencing domestic violence.
Domestic Violence Shelters and Crisis Centers
Local shelters can offer emergency housing, legal help, and counseling. You can find local shelters through your national or local resources, such as the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) or search for local crisis centers.
NCADV Website: www.NCADV.org
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)
Website: www.NCADV.org
NCADV provides resources for survivors, as well as advocacy and legislative support.
Therapists Specializing in Domestic Violence
Therapist Finder from The National Domestic Violence Hotline: www.thehotline.org/find-help
Legal Resources
National Center on Domestic Violence, Trauma & Mental Health: www.nationalcenterdvtraumamh.org
