Moms and Special Needs Children - Jessica Ryder, MA

When traveling by plane, every parent knows this important reminder, “In the event of an emergency, please put on your oxygen mask before assisting younger children”. As parents we understand and agree, but this reminder also applies to motherhood as a whole, and especially to those caring for special needs children. You need to learn to help yourself first before you can help your child, and you should not wait until there’s an emergency.

Research has found that some mothers of children with autism had physiological stress profiles similar to those of combat soldiers. It may sound surprising to some, but those who are going through it know their internal world is exactly this experience. It can be extremely tempting to isolate and shut the world off in your struggles. You are pulled in a million directions, small everyday reminders tug at your heart. Every trip to the grocery store reminds you that there's nothing they will want to eat. You walk down the vitamins section and think, “they won't want the texture of these vitamins”. “I better make another appointment to make sure they are not deficient again, “their immune system is awful”. That’s not only it, then you fight your insurance for ABA. You argue with the school system to try to get a therapist in their classroom. You finally put them in ABA but their staff keeps quitting because the burnout rate for therapists in these settings are high. Maybe the school calls you because they’ve been rough with other kids or they said something that was not socially appropriate without understanding it. You go to family gatherings and get the third degree about how child is not eating because, “you’re just too soft and won’t let them get hungry enough”.

The whole world seems to see and know where you're going wrong.  You would happily accept every fault if you could make things better for your child. You watch them in their own little world and in the midst of your struggles and you can’t help but keep going because they are your world. Yet, despite all the never-ending chaos, it is vital that you breathe. 

Tips For Self Care For Special Needs Parents:

Find Support

It takes a village to raise a child and it may take a village to help you see that you're NOT alone! Whether it is psychotherapy, a support group, or even an online forum. Do not isolate. You may have run into people who “don’t get it” but I guarantee you your comrades are out there and they understand because they’ve charted these territories too!

Wear Your Different Hats!

By this I mean, remember your individual self. It is important to remember things that make you happy and bring you joy. You're a parent, but you're also you! To be a healthy parent, you have to nurture yourself. We all wear different hats and play different roles. You can do all of them at the same time. Even if it's a small thing like coloring your hair or watching your favorite show. Cater to your individuality. Take part in things you used to enjoy.

The Caregiver Needs a Caregiver!

Remember those different hats I was talking about? One of them is a caregiver for YOU. This does not have to be elaborate. This is as simple as getting nourishment yourself (you need your strength to help keep going for your little one), taking a walk when your child is at school, or just breathing, prayer, meditation, taking a hot bath, putting on a nice outfit, cleaning up your work space, etc. Don’t neglect you. 

Have A Sanctuary

If possible, have a space that is yours. Have a place where you have privacy at times (maybe when your child is at school), a place decorated with “positive triggers” (things that have the potential of boosting your mood; positive memories, accomplishments, reminders of gratitude, etc.).

Choose Your Worries

If it is something we have no control over, then we have to put it down!  Leave it behind for another day. I know it's hard but we have to. We will worry about only things we can control for now. We will take one day at a time. Break struggles into small struggles. 

Breathe/Self Soothing

We literally have to learn to breathe to calm down. It is essential. Calming exercises, grounding, mindfulness, hot baths, cold baths, yoga, and anything that calms the nervous system is essential for mental healing. We have to remind the body to calm down so it can help the mind calm down.  

The Case for Self Care

When we are in a good mindset, we have more energy (especially mental energy) to strategize, take care of, and come up with ideas for our kids. Depression can take away from our ability to make decisions, concentrate, and be creative. We need our mental strength to help us find the best strategies/solutions to difficulties. 

Meaning and Advocacy

Lastly, ask any person who has gone through hardship and came out on the other side how they made it. Most of them will tell you the meaning in the pain is what kept them going. Think of the big picture, every struggle is an act of love for the one you adore. Meaning is at the heart of human survival. Choose your meaning, choose your survival, and always remember to put your mask on before your child’s.

The following is a helpful link for resources:

https://www.onoursleeves.org/mental-health-resources/national-state-resources